Have your way

This is my prayer dear Lord please please have Your way.

“Have Your Way”

Feels like I’ve been here forever,
Why can’t you just intervene,
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And I’m falling apart at the seams,
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn’t hard,
But you promised you’d take care of me,
So I’ll stop searching for the answers,
I’ll stop praying for an escape
And I’ll trust you God with where I am
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way,
My friends and my family have left me
I feel so ashamed and so cold,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold
Remind me you take broken things and turn them into beautiful
So I’ll stop searching for the answers,
I’ll stop praying for an escape
I’ll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way,
Even if my dreams have died,
Even if I don’t survive,
I’ll still worship you with all my life,
My life, yeah,
Whoa, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh
Whoa, oh
And I’ll stop searching for the answers,
I’ll stop praying for an escape
And I’ll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way, yeah
I know you will,
I won’t forget
Whoa, oh, oh
You love me,
Have your way,
or if you need the video with lyrics.

Okay So I stink

as a blogger…hopefully not any other way.

I have not posted in a lot time. I apologize. Here is just  few of my crazy mixed up thoughts.

Some random thoughts… in no particular order.

  • I am ready to move on! Switchfoot has a new song called “restless” and that is how I find myself some time. It is so hard to move on and let go.
  • I am tired of the hurt and pain that being laid off has caused me and my ministry or family. I wish it was not the first thing I tell people. I so wrestle with who I am when people ask what I do. I am tired of that being one of the things I talk with my few friends about.
  • I feel so alone other than my wife in this world. I feel like the friends that I used to have are so busy that they don’t have much time to talk and listen even as I used to drop all my church work to talk them about stuff when things were reversed.
  • I am tired of my family living life with a job that causes us to be so stressed over money for gas and food. I am ready for my heart to heal to a point. Part of me wants to get over it and another part wants to be real, open, and raw and continue to walk into the new depth of my relationship with God.
  • I believe that need to find some place to serve and that makes me uncomfortable because that means putting myself out there and being vulnerable.

I am thankful for the positive changes that have happened in my life.

  • I am in better shape than I was. I have lost about 25lbs and am able to run 3-4 miles with really little effort. I have completed a Duathlon (3.1 mile run,  16 mile bike ride, and 1.9 mile run) in  1 hr 44 mins. I really would like to do a 10k run.  I have read about that distance and think that it might be a great distance for me to focus on for running. I am not sure why I have all of a sudden just really liked running and seeing the progress physically and mentally I have made running. Usually I really find some peace biking but I have really craved just getting outside
  • I do think I have a better reliance on the Gospel and better confidence on what Christ did for me on the cross I believe that it has changed my walk with God in a drastic way. I find myself much more trusting in the sovereignty of God… instead of me trying to make something happen.
  • I do not miss cable TV. I will miss it some during football season, but there really is not much on TV.
  • I have enjoyed reading so many interesting and exciting books.

I am not sure what is next for me but I think I will attempt to post more to make sense of my thoughts/ feelings.

No Army Chaplaincy for me

Well I found out a while ago March 31 and decided to finish writing a post tonight. April 17.

I was rocking my son tonight and as he stared at me blinking his eyes because he was tired I realized that if I had made the cut medically for Army Chaplaincy I would have missed out a lot on his life. I am thankful that that God knew what He was doing to shut the door in a way that was obvious that it was His decision. I shared earlier that I had some strange things going on with my heart and almost passing out two times. The doctors say that I have extra random heart beats. My wife has known and said this for years. I have thought nothing of it, but as far as the Army is concerned they did not think that it would be a great idea for me to be in the Army. The Bible says that guides people’s hearts and minds and nothing is a surprise to Him. I truly believe that and I believe that it was God’s call and he has other plans for me.

What is pretty crazy is that the army Physical fitness test motivated me to work out consistently and watch what I eat carefully. It has as my wife says that I am in the best shape of our married life. I am truly thankful for that as well.I really do feel better physically. If I do not work out I really miss it as well.

But back to the Army Chaplaincy …..

It hurts that I still do not know/ understand/ see what His reasoning was for me to be laid off and walk though this wilderness period other than to trust Him more and not myself, to rid myself of pride, and deal with my sinful nature. I am ready to move on from the bank and tired of the mess that is associated with my current Job. I know that God has called me to something more and I guess I will just seek to be satisfied with Him and what He has given me until I see the next step.

I still salute and am extremely proud of those who serve our country in the Armed Forces. I pray for God’s protection and His Peace to come to our world.

sitting alone in silence

I am sitting alone in the silence of my house today after being out of work for three days. My wife has taken our son to the dr since he is a runny nose, pitiful, mess.

I have been out of work since Wednesday, I called out sick because I felt achy and nauseous. I thought it was just because of the steroid I was taking to fight the poison ivy I found while riding my mountain bike. While at the Dr’s office I had some of the worst diarrhea I have ever had. I still felt horrible. While there my heart rate dropped and blood pressure went crazy and eventually had the entire office in with me. They call 911 and went to the hospital again.My wife and son were there to watch me get a white a sheet and start sweating like crazy. It was scary and I concerned me for them to see me like that.

I spent the entire day in the hospital. They gave me 3 liters of fluid and sent me home with the dr’s orders to rest for the next couple days and follow-up with my primary care dr. I went this morning to my primary care doctors. (I really like my primary care doctors.) He listened to my heart and heard something that was a bit amiss. I was hooked up to an EKG machine and again and it showed that my heart does skip beats and/or  has something weird going on electronically. They got me an appointment with a cardiologist this afternoon. He said it could be caffeine, stress, and/ or  genetic.

This would really change the way I thought God was leading us at this point in our life.  I have felt like God was leading us towards Army Chaplaincy. A couple weeks ago my wife and I went to GA and met with North American Mission Board. It was a good time and worth another post later.

I am not sure what this means for my Army chaplaincy or Army at all. It might mean that I am ineligible for it. I am trusting God to get me through but while I am now listening to Meredith Andrews’ song “Can anyone hear me?”

I am sad and wondering what is happening and why it is happening.

God I need you I need to hold me now as I seem to be barely hanging on…


I have a job that starts July 30. It is a teller position at a bank. Yippee…

I am not sure how I feel about the job. Everybody that hears about it is like “Yeah, I am so glad for you are glad to be working again.” No I am not I wanted God to open a door for some sort of new and exciting ministry opportunity.

I think a guy at church said it best. “At least you have a job to provide for your family, but it is not what you are called to do.” He seemed to understand what I am feeling about the job. We had a good conversation.

I am thankful for the opportunity to provide for my family, however I am frightened by the thought of going to work  and it not working out or me not being able to do it. I sorta feel like I did not get the job my own efforts or merit but because I knew a guy who was doing pretty well in the company.

I bounce back and forth between wanting so bad to be on staff in a church serving God and doing ministry. Other times not wanting anything to do with a church ministry ever again.

I am so anxious and nervous about the job and am snapping at my family and have less patience than I usually do. I ask for their forgiveness in regards to that.

Book Review: Every Man’s Battle

Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time
This was a great book. It challenged me from the beginning. I have owned this book for a long time and finally picked it up to read. I am glad that I did. The last two chapters are wonderfully written and caused me to have tears in my eyes for my wife. It talks about honoring and cherishing your wife and protecting your daughter both touched my heart.
View all my reviews