Okay So I stink

as a blogger…hopefully not any other way.

I have not posted in a lot time. I apologize. Here is just  few of my crazy mixed up thoughts.

Some random thoughts… in no particular order.

  • I am ready to move on! Switchfoot has a new song called “restless” and that is how I find myself some time. It is so hard to move on and let go.
  • I am tired of the hurt and pain that being laid off has caused me and my ministry or family. I wish it was not the first thing I tell people. I so wrestle with who I am when people ask what I do. I am tired of that being one of the things I talk with my few friends about.
  • I feel so alone other than my wife in this world. I feel like the friends that I used to have are so busy that they don’t have much time to talk and listen even as I used to drop all my church work to talk them about stuff when things were reversed.
  • I am tired of my family living life with a job that causes us to be so stressed over money for gas and food. I am ready for my heart to heal to a point. Part of me wants to get over it and another part wants to be real, open, and raw and continue to walk into the new depth of my relationship with God.
  • I believe that need to find some place to serve and that makes me uncomfortable because that means putting myself out there and being vulnerable.

I am thankful for the positive changes that have happened in my life.

  • I am in better shape than I was. I have lost about 25lbs and am able to run 3-4 miles with really little effort. I have completed a Duathlon (3.1 mile run,  16 mile bike ride, and 1.9 mile run) in  1 hr 44 mins. I really would like to do a 10k run.  I have read about that distance and think that it might be a great distance for me to focus on for running. I am not sure why I have all of a sudden just really liked running and seeing the progress physically and mentally I have made running. Usually I really find some peace biking but I have really craved just getting outside
  • I do think I have a better reliance on the Gospel and better confidence on what Christ did for me on the cross I believe that it has changed my walk with God in a drastic way. I find myself much more trusting in the sovereignty of God… instead of me trying to make something happen.
  • I do not miss cable TV. I will miss it some during football season, but there really is not much on TV.
  • I have enjoyed reading so many interesting and exciting books.

I am not sure what is next for me but I think I will attempt to post more to make sense of my thoughts/ feelings.


No Army Chaplaincy for me

Well I found out a while ago March 31 and decided to finish writing a post tonight. April 17.

I was rocking my son tonight and as he stared at me blinking his eyes because he was tired I realized that if I had made the cut medically for Army Chaplaincy I would have missed out a lot on his life. I am thankful that that God knew what He was doing to shut the door in a way that was obvious that it was His decision. I shared earlier that I had some strange things going on with my heart and almost passing out two times. The doctors say that I have extra random heart beats. My wife has known and said this for years. I have thought nothing of it, but as far as the Army is concerned they did not think that it would be a great idea for me to be in the Army. The Bible says that guides people’s hearts and minds and nothing is a surprise to Him. I truly believe that and I believe that it was God’s call and he has other plans for me.

What is pretty crazy is that the army Physical fitness test motivated me to work out consistently and watch what I eat carefully. It has as my wife says that I am in the best shape of our married life. I am truly thankful for that as well.I really do feel better physically. If I do not work out I really miss it as well.

But back to the Army Chaplaincy …..

It hurts that I still do not know/ understand/ see what His reasoning was for me to be laid off and walk though this wilderness period other than to trust Him more and not myself, to rid myself of pride, and deal with my sinful nature. I am ready to move on from the bank and tired of the mess that is associated with my current Job. I know that God has called me to something more and I guess I will just seek to be satisfied with Him and what He has given me until I see the next step.

I still salute and am extremely proud of those who serve our country in the Armed Forces. I pray for God’s protection and His Peace to come to our world.

sitting alone in silence

I am sitting alone in the silence of my house today after being out of work for three days. My wife has taken our son to the dr since he is a runny nose, pitiful, mess.

I have been out of work since Wednesday, I called out sick because I felt achy and nauseous. I thought it was just because of the steroid I was taking to fight the poison ivy I found while riding my mountain bike. While at the Dr’s office I had some of the worst diarrhea I have ever had. I still felt horrible. While there my heart rate dropped and blood pressure went crazy and eventually had the entire office in with me. They call 911 and went to the hospital again.My wife and son were there to watch me get a white a sheet and start sweating like crazy. It was scary and I concerned me for them to see me like that.

I spent the entire day in the hospital. They gave me 3 liters of fluid and sent me home with the dr’s orders to rest for the next couple days and follow-up with my primary care dr. I went this morning to my primary care doctors. (I really like my primary care doctors.) He listened to my heart and heard something that was a bit amiss. I was hooked up to an EKG machine and again and it showed that my heart does skip beats and/or  has something weird going on electronically. They got me an appointment with a cardiologist this afternoon. He said it could be caffeine, stress, and/ or  genetic.

This would really change the way I thought God was leading us at this point in our life.  I have felt like God was leading us towards Army Chaplaincy. A couple weeks ago my wife and I went to GA and met with North American Mission Board. It was a good time and worth another post later.

I am not sure what this means for my Army chaplaincy or Army at all. It might mean that I am ineligible for it. I am trusting God to get me through but while I am now listening to Meredith Andrews’ song “Can anyone hear me?”

I am sad and wondering what is happening and why it is happening.

God I need you I need to hold me now as I seem to be barely hanging on…

9 Reasons Not To “Ask Jesus Into Your Heart” — SojournKids

9 Reasons Not To “Ask Jesus Into Your Heart”by Jared Kennedy on November 20, 2008

Your child lies in her snuggly warm bed and says, “Yes, Daddy. I want to ask Jesus into my heart.” You lead her in “the prayer” and hope that it sticks. You spend the next ten years questioning if she really, really meant it. Puberty hits and you only have more questions. She turns away from faith. You spend the next ten years praying that she will come to her senses. What went wrong?Of course, there is no way to guarantee that an early acceptance of the gospel will stick, and parents should not feel defeated when their adolescents question or even rebel against what they have been taught from a young age. However, we can be careful to avoid language that would give our children a false understanding of the gospel or a false impression about their own condition. If you’ve grown up in church setting, you have probably heard the phrase “ask Jesus into your heart” a thousand times—at evangelistic meetings or at the end of impassioned sermons. Perhaps you have seen it modeled as part of a gospel presentation. I have come to believe that the phrase “ask Jesus into your heart” can be dangerous way of calling someone to faith. Here are a few reasons why:

1. This kind of figurative language is not appropriate for most children.

2.  Salvation does not result from our asking but from what Jesus has done.

3.  The gospel is NOT primarily about Jesus’ work in our heart but about Jesus’ work in history.

4.  The gospel appeals to more than our emotions.

5.  Over-emphasizing a change of heart can actually discourage a child.

6.  The phrase “ask Jesus into your heart” is neither commanded in the Scriptures nor found as a description of conversion.

7.  God only saves those who turn away from sin and delight in his Son.

8.  Leading a child in a “sinner’s prayer” may give the child false assurance.

9.  Finally, this presentation robs God of his sovereignty.

via 9 Reasons Not To “Ask Jesus Into Your Heart” — SojournKids.

I read this and I thought this was a very well written and made a strong argument for not asking your child to accept “Jesus in their heart.” If you click on the link you can read their thoughts as they expand on each

A little late

Well this post is a little late but here it is… I finally heard back from the guy at church.  here is the story..in brief.

our new church had a Saturday night of worship. It was a great time of worship and scripture. As the service was going on I prayed to God to please give me a job so that I could continue to worship here. after the service a guy in the church turned around and said he felt like God wanted him to talk to me about a job at where he works. So I went down monday afternoon and looked, learned, and applied.

2 months or later he finally called and said that the company decided to go with someone else. I am not sure what or what for but another door closed.

keep quiet

Wow what a crazy couple weeks since my last post. I will recap a few things. Our counselor has had us read a booklet about bitterness. Ouch! It is my responsibility to ask for forgiveness from God for the sin of bitterness. I have learned that I can not let the root of bitterness take root in me. I must show to all the grace of God not matter what the circumstance. That has been hard to swallow because  I know that I have not totally pointed others to Christ.

My counselor asked me to call my former pastor and ask for forgiveness. He gave it and said that he has already forgiven me and said he can understand why there it has been hard.

Today my counselor said that he wants me to call my former pastor (once removed) and do the same. It is such a hard thing to think about doing. I guess that means I have/ had been holding on to bitterness and it in turn has hurt me. One of my closest friends agrees that it is something that I have to do if I am ever going to be effective in ministry in the future. Please pray as I work on it this week.

Life is…

Life is… so short, painful, and hard.

Today, I learned that a student at the local high school committed suicide last night. This is such a tragedy and a dark day for many of the students. My heart is breaking with them.

I found out while listening to the students today that people where texting her and telling her through a website called formspring that she was fat,ugly, and should kill herself. I am not naive to believe that this is totally what caused her to take her own life. But my questions are why would someone purposely open themselves to to let people sin and say things like that to her. People do not need any encouragement to be mean!

Life is… more than stuff. We are designed for more. God created us to have a relationship with us. We are made in God’s image and yet many teenagers do not see themselves as made in God’s image. They see themselves as accidents, mess-ups, wastes of time, and unwanted. The find their parents to busy for them. I have and 3-4 local churches have conducted surveys of our students and EVERYONE of the groups of students wanted more time with their parents. I believe every child desires to know they are wanted and loved by their parents. I believe many parents think if they give their child lots of stuff, like the newest and greatest gadget or clothes,  then their child will love them more. I have seen in the students lives that is not usually the case.

Life is …about abundant life. God created us for the purpose of having a relationship with Him. He even said that I love you so much that I sent (John 3:16-18) my Son to restore our relationship.  There is nothing that we can do or even need to do! God has already paid our debt and redeemed us. It is because of His Grace. So to every teenager who is struggling and feels like no one cares or God has already said once and for that He cares. He wants that relationship, to give that abundant life.

If you are hurting and need to talk, call 1-800-273-TALK