Well…

I have a job that starts July 30. It is a teller position at a bank. Yippee…

I am not sure how I feel about the job. Everybody that hears about it is like “Yeah, I am so glad for you are glad to be working again.” No I am not I wanted God to open a door for some sort of new and exciting ministry opportunity.

I think a guy at church said it best. “At least you have a job to provide for your family, but it is not what you are called to do.” He seemed to understand what I am feeling about the job. We had a good conversation.

I am thankful for the opportunity to provide for my family, however I am frightened by the thought of going to work  and it not working out or me not being able to do it. I sorta feel like I did not get the job my own efforts or merit but because I knew a guy who was doing pretty well in the company.

I bounce back and forth between wanting so bad to be on staff in a church serving God and doing ministry. Other times not wanting anything to do with a church ministry ever again.

I am so anxious and nervous about the job and am snapping at my family and have less patience than I usually do. I ask for their forgiveness in regards to that.

Sanctus Real – Forgiven 2009 Lyrics

I am not a song writer and definitely not a singer but I truly love the lyrics to this song. It has been on the radio a lot lately and it speaks to my heart so much. Thank you Jesus My Savior. Forgive me for not reflecting you through all of this but please please let me from now REFLECT YOUR GLORY IN MY LIFE!

In this life I know what I’ve been

But here in your arms I know what I am

chorus

I’m forgiven I’m forgiven

And I dont have to carry

The weight of who I’ve been Cause I’m forgiven

verse 2

My mistakes are running through my mind

And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night

And I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride

Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

bridge

When I don’t fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere

When I don’t measure up to much in this life

Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ

‘Cause I’m forgiven

via Sanctus Real – Forgiven 2009 Video & Lyrics.

Counseling appointment tomorrow

Tomorrow is my first counseling appointment.

I am slightly frustrated by the process required to talk with someone other than my wife about the loss of a job, confusion about my ministry, and even marriage issues. We have had to fill out an application, pay $20, and still not be able to talk to the people who we were referred to. I had really hoped to talk with a pastor someone who understood what it means to be called to do something and called by a church.

I am not sure really what to expect. I have taken a few counseling classes while in seminary and I really could not get into them. Honestly, they really drove me crazy. It seemed that they would say the same thing over and over. I hope this meeting tomorrow is productive and not a waste of time.