Okay So I stink

as a blogger…hopefully not any other way.

I have not posted in a lot time. I apologize. Here is just  few of my crazy mixed up thoughts.

Some random thoughts… in no particular order.

  • I am ready to move on! Switchfoot has a new song called “restless” and that is how I find myself some time. It is so hard to move on and let go.
  • I am tired of the hurt and pain that being laid off has caused me and my ministry or family. I wish it was not the first thing I tell people. I so wrestle with who I am when people ask what I do. I am tired of that being one of the things I talk with my few friends about.
  • I feel so alone other than my wife in this world. I feel like the friends that I used to have are so busy that they don’t have much time to talk and listen even as I used to drop all my church work to talk them about stuff when things were reversed.
  • I am tired of my family living life with a job that causes us to be so stressed over money for gas and food. I am ready for my heart to heal to a point. Part of me wants to get over it and another part wants to be real, open, and raw and continue to walk into the new depth of my relationship with God.
  • I believe that need to find some place to serve and that makes me uncomfortable because that means putting myself out there and being vulnerable.

I am thankful for the positive changes that have happened in my life.

  • I am in better shape than I was. I have lost about 25lbs and am able to run 3-4 miles with really little effort. I have completed a Duathlon (3.1 mile run,  16 mile bike ride, and 1.9 mile run) in  1 hr 44 mins. I really would like to do a 10k run.  I have read about that distance and think that it might be a great distance for me to focus on for running. I am not sure why I have all of a sudden just really liked running and seeing the progress physically and mentally I have made running. Usually I really find some peace biking but I have really craved just getting outside
  • I do think I have a better reliance on the Gospel and better confidence on what Christ did for me on the cross I believe that it has changed my walk with God in a drastic way. I find myself much more trusting in the sovereignty of God… instead of me trying to make something happen.
  • I do not miss cable TV. I will miss it some during football season, but there really is not much on TV.
  • I have enjoyed reading so many interesting and exciting books.

I am not sure what is next for me but I think I will attempt to post more to make sense of my thoughts/ feelings.

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Well…

I have a job that starts July 30. It is a teller position at a bank. Yippee…

I am not sure how I feel about the job. Everybody that hears about it is like “Yeah, I am so glad for you are glad to be working again.” No I am not I wanted God to open a door for some sort of new and exciting ministry opportunity.

I think a guy at church said it best. “At least you have a job to provide for your family, but it is not what you are called to do.” He seemed to understand what I am feeling about the job. We had a good conversation.

I am thankful for the opportunity to provide for my family, however I am frightened by the thought of going to work  and it not working out or me not being able to do it. I sorta feel like I did not get the job my own efforts or merit but because I knew a guy who was doing pretty well in the company.

I bounce back and forth between wanting so bad to be on staff in a church serving God and doing ministry. Other times not wanting anything to do with a church ministry ever again.

I am so anxious and nervous about the job and am snapping at my family and have less patience than I usually do. I ask for their forgiveness in regards to that.

keep quiet

Wow what a crazy couple weeks since my last post. I will recap a few things. Our counselor has had us read a booklet about bitterness. Ouch! It is my responsibility to ask for forgiveness from God for the sin of bitterness. I have learned that I can not let the root of bitterness take root in me. I must show to all the grace of God not matter what the circumstance. That has been hard to swallow because  I know that I have not totally pointed others to Christ.

My counselor asked me to call my former pastor and ask for forgiveness. He gave it and said that he has already forgiven me and said he can understand why there it has been hard.

Today my counselor said that he wants me to call my former pastor (once removed) and do the same. It is such a hard thing to think about doing. I guess that means I have/ had been holding on to bitterness and it in turn has hurt me. One of my closest friends agrees that it is something that I have to do if I am ever going to be effective in ministry in the future. Please pray as I work on it this week.

I hate counseling

Okay maybe hate is a strong word. I really dislike it. It hurts. It stomps on my toes and challenges who I thought I was.

Usually it  seems like a bash Matthew session. I am spent emotionally after it. It reveals things that I do not like to see in myself, pornography, pride. etc. It tells me that my marriage, ministry, passion, purposes have usually been wrong.

I guess it will make me stronger and a better person and more like Christ in the end but now it stinks.