Well…

I have a job that starts July 30. It is a teller position at a bank. Yippee…

I am not sure how I feel about the job. Everybody that hears about it is like “Yeah, I am so glad for you are glad to be working again.” No I am not I wanted God to open a door for some sort of new and exciting ministry opportunity.

I think a guy at church said it best. “At least you have a job to provide for your family, but it is not what you are called to do.” He seemed to understand what I am feeling about the job. We had a good conversation.

I am thankful for the opportunity to provide for my family, however I am frightened by the thought of going to work  and it not working out or me not being able to do it. I sorta feel like I did not get the job my own efforts or merit but because I knew a guy who was doing pretty well in the company.

I bounce back and forth between wanting so bad to be on staff in a church serving God and doing ministry. Other times not wanting anything to do with a church ministry ever again.

I am so anxious and nervous about the job and am snapping at my family and have less patience than I usually do. I ask for their forgiveness in regards to that.

I hate counseling

Okay maybe hate is a strong word. I really dislike it. It hurts. It stomps on my toes and challenges who I thought I was.

Usually it  seems like a bash Matthew session. I am spent emotionally after it. It reveals things that I do not like to see in myself, pornography, pride. etc. It tells me that my marriage, ministry, passion, purposes have usually been wrong.

I guess it will make me stronger and a better person and more like Christ in the end but now it stinks.