Okay So I stink

as a blogger…hopefully not any other way.

I have not posted in a lot time. I apologize. Here is just  few of my crazy mixed up thoughts.

Some random thoughts… in no particular order.

  • I am ready to move on! Switchfoot has a new song called “restless” and that is how I find myself some time. It is so hard to move on and let go.
  • I am tired of the hurt and pain that being laid off has caused me and my ministry or family. I wish it was not the first thing I tell people. I so wrestle with who I am when people ask what I do. I am tired of that being one of the things I talk with my few friends about.
  • I feel so alone other than my wife in this world. I feel like the friends that I used to have are so busy that they don’t have much time to talk and listen even as I used to drop all my church work to talk them about stuff when things were reversed.
  • I am tired of my family living life with a job that causes us to be so stressed over money for gas and food. I am ready for my heart to heal to a point. Part of me wants to get over it and another part wants to be real, open, and raw and continue to walk into the new depth of my relationship with God.
  • I believe that need to find some place to serve and that makes me uncomfortable because that means putting myself out there and being vulnerable.

I am thankful for the positive changes that have happened in my life.

  • I am in better shape than I was. I have lost about 25lbs and am able to run 3-4 miles with really little effort. I have completed a Duathlon (3.1 mile run,  16 mile bike ride, and 1.9 mile run) in  1 hr 44 mins. I really would like to do a 10k run.  I have read about that distance and think that it might be a great distance for me to focus on for running. I am not sure why I have all of a sudden just really liked running and seeing the progress physically and mentally I have made running. Usually I really find some peace biking but I have really craved just getting outside
  • I do think I have a better reliance on the Gospel and better confidence on what Christ did for me on the cross I believe that it has changed my walk with God in a drastic way. I find myself much more trusting in the sovereignty of God… instead of me trying to make something happen.
  • I do not miss cable TV. I will miss it some during football season, but there really is not much on TV.
  • I have enjoyed reading so many interesting and exciting books.

I am not sure what is next for me but I think I will attempt to post more to make sense of my thoughts/ feelings.

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Well…

I have a job that starts July 30. It is a teller position at a bank. Yippee…

I am not sure how I feel about the job. Everybody that hears about it is like “Yeah, I am so glad for you are glad to be working again.” No I am not I wanted God to open a door for some sort of new and exciting ministry opportunity.

I think a guy at church said it best. “At least you have a job to provide for your family, but it is not what you are called to do.” He seemed to understand what I am feeling about the job. We had a good conversation.

I am thankful for the opportunity to provide for my family, however I am frightened by the thought of going to work  and it not working out or me not being able to do it. I sorta feel like I did not get the job my own efforts or merit but because I knew a guy who was doing pretty well in the company.

I bounce back and forth between wanting so bad to be on staff in a church serving God and doing ministry. Other times not wanting anything to do with a church ministry ever again.

I am so anxious and nervous about the job and am snapping at my family and have less patience than I usually do. I ask for their forgiveness in regards to that.

Not teaching

Well this post is real late.

I am not teaching at FCAcademy.

I interviewed for a middle school history/Social studies teaching position. I was really excited about the possibility. They went with someone who has a teaching certificate. Good for them but not for me.

(I think the Administrator told me about how she got started teaching and did not have a certification)

My daughter  did say that would be pretty cool if I could teach at her school. 🙂

i feel lost

i feel lost. I was so confident and sure of where God was leading us. But now…i feel lost.

My wife shared with me some thoughts the other day. I hate to say I understand her thoughts. (I will keep them to myself) but I am thankful she shared thoughts with me. I am so excited about her desire to be involved in ministry. I am also heartbroken that the current situation has her not wanting any part of it.

Separate but similar thoughts in my head…

We have visited a couple churches. It is so weird to be at a church with people I do not know without being able to tell them what I do or have done. I am still called to be a minister to students and their families. I am a dad and father but I still feel somewhat like less of a man because I am unemployed. I know that I am not defined by job or title. The world says otherwise and it is weird.

I feel lost.

Valentines Day

Today is Valentines Day. I like the holiday but I dislike people sharing to much personal information through Twitter and Facebook. I believe it is something for couples to share together. It is weird to have our anniversary and Valentines so close together. It is so hard to do so back to back with V-day.

I really enjoyed shopping for our anniversary this year.  I just thought about what she would like and really want I want to get her nice stuff to say “I love you” and I am thankful for you but with the loss of the job and really never having anything extra I am concerned about it buying stuff.

I really need to do a better job of romancing her and speaking her love language.

Why i don’t fit

I have thought about this phrase “basically you don’t fit”

Why I don’t fit and … why I am okay with that.

I am a Christian:

God has called us to not fit in. Jesus called His disciples to “follow me.” To follow Christ is counter cultural. As a Christian I am not of this world. John 18:36 says, Jesus answered, My kingdom is not of this world. If my kingdom were of this world, my servants would have been fighting, that I might not be delivered over to the Jews. But my kingdom is not from the world.

I am okay with going against current culture to be obedient to Christ in my life. It has been a part of who I am since my new life in Jesus, 1987. These are some of the Scriptures that have guided me through my life as a Christian.

  • 1 Peter 2:11-12, “Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.”
  • Philippians 3:20 “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ”
  • “I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world.” (John 17:14)

I am a husband:

  • Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,…”
  • I am truly blessed to have the woman who I have as a wife. She helps to keep me grounded and focused on God. She is such a godly woman every day with her is such a blessing and honor.

I treasure my wife and being married to her is one of the greatest honors in my life. We have experienced much in our life together and it has strengthened our relationship with each other and our Lord Jesus.

I am a father: Some random quotes about being a father.

  • A father carries pictures where his money used to be.  ~Author Unknown
  • Your children need your presence more than your presents.  ~Jesse Jackson
  • The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

I love my children: I many times feel inadequate and not ready to be a parent but I love them both more than any student in my youth ministry. They are my first ministry and greatest priority is to help them both be captivated by Jesus. I want to make sure that I never put them second.

I am a Keydet: I am graduate of the Virginia Military Institute. It was one of the toughest experiences of my life but I am truly thankful God allowed me to finish and graduate. Check it out here and here. I do think that it made me see the value of working hard for something. It also taught me that God will carry me through and beyond what I thought I could do.

I am a bicyclist: In 2008 I bought a Scott Speedster S40 road bike and rode about 730 miles. In 2009 I rode 1222.27 miles. I have always enjoyed bike riding. I also have a Cannondale Super V700 which I have an untold number miles. I have been able to really getting into riding here.

People can not understand the want or need to ride. It has been a great outlet and way to focus.

I must believe

Tuesday after I was told that I was laid off I went up to Pilot Mountain State Park to gain some perspective. I have only been there one time before. I did not complete any of the trails that time. This time I hoped to do some hiking, thinking, praying, and crying out to God.

looking up

I figured it would be a good place to get away and be still with God. I also figured that is what I needed right now, Jesus.

I got up there around 10:30 am. There were heavy snow flurries blowing around at the top. I said to myself I did not drive all the way up to be scared of some flurries. So I  wrapped up and put on my water reservoir bag and iPod shuffle. (In my opinion I like the shuffle better than any iPod with a screen.) I had actually loaded our two 1GB 1st generation shuffles differently. One was loaded with worshipful, encouraging, favorite music and the other was loaded with sermons. I put on music first. I wondered if I should just be quiet but I felt I needed something to focus on other than the fact I was in this situation. It was encouraging to listen to the music remind of many important truths about the God I love and worship.

I remember standing at the bottom of the the mountain looking up at the Big Pinnacle. I prayed, thought, wondered, and hoped. I wanted to scream out over the valley but I was not sure what I would scream and who I was going to scream at. So I didn’t.

After spending time with God, I must still believe these things.

God loves me. Romans 5: 6-8

“For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person–though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die–8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us

has a plan for me

has called me

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me”

will work to bring good out of this.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28 ESV

If I love Jesus I have to love His church.

lyrics from Derek Webb’s “The Church”

‘Cause i haven’t come for only you
but for my people to pursue
you cannot care for me with no regard for her
if you love me you will love the church


I felt as I came back home that evening that I had been in God’s presence and truly had a mountain top experience. I could feel stress and anger and hurt lifted from me. I also felt as I drove back home a sense of just being scared as to what the future held. I also remembered Who held my future.